For the longest time, I ignored all the signs. My intuition was screaming but I didn’t want to believe in reality. I wanted to believe in a dream, a happily ever after, in hope that things could change for the better, thinking that maybe it would work out if I tried hard enough. I was stuck in a trap. I was dating a sociopath.

I experienced this epiphany the last night of my 80-day road trip. I was visiting my aunt in San Diego County. We stayed up late and exchanged stories. She told me about her ex husband for twelve years, my cousin’s father. She revealed to me she discovered he was a sociopath, and asked if I knew what they were. I replied I was not familiar with them.

She gave me a few examples and everything clicked. All the signs that I thought were weird, more accurately; “red flags,” were telltale signs that this guy I was dating is a sociopath. He lacked empathy, was a pathological liar, had no remorse or concern for other’s wellbeing, and was only interested in what others could do for him, just to name a few characteristics.

Antisocial personality disorder, sometimes called sociopathy, is a mental condition in which a person consistently shows no regard for right and wrong and ignores the rights and feelings of others. Similar to autism spectrum disorder (ASD), they can behave in ways that suggest they are unable to feel empathy towards others. However the similarities quickly stop there.

            Sociopaths are delusional. They can pass lie detector tests; because they truly believe the lies they are speaking to be the truth. They will blatantly tell lies to your face, because to them it is the reality. Often they will tell you a lie, as power trip, when you know they are lying, you accept it because you don’t want to start a fight or create a conflict to further drain your energy.

            Psychologist can’t diagnose them. They are incredibly charming, social and charismatic. And they know it; they use these skills as an advantage to manipulate everyone around them.

I thought that maybe something was wrong with me. I was so crushed, always thinking, “Why doesn’t he love me?” Only until recently my thoughts turn to, “Why did I fall in love with a sociopath?” I realized, he can’t love me, sociopaths can’t love anyone. They are only interested in what you can do for them.

One of the first things he told me “I like to be the most interesting person in the room.” This was the first sign I thought was odd but gave the benefit of the doubt imagining I was over thinking it. That comment was just the start. When I was really depressed I confessed to him I was experiencing suicidal thoughts. His response, “Why would I want to date someone having suicidal thoughts, if you’re gonna kill yourself there’s no reason for me to be with you.”

It was always about him.

What they say is true; it starts out so amazing. The honeymoon phase – was magical. He was the first one to say ‘I love you’. He told me less than two months after we first met. This was really a ploy to get me to fall for him. They like to keep things moving really fast so you don’t have the time to put the pieces together.

Another thing I realized, they use your insecurities against yourself. When I moved to the bay area right out of college I was making 60k. Everyone I knew thought that was great but my salary went fast working in the most expensive city in the United States. And when the majority of the people there are engineers making six figures I felt a bit insecure.

I told him I wish I had a better paying job. Then the comments about my income and wage slowly started to trickle out. He started telling me how I barely made anything, “when I was your age made 2 million dollars.” Like really? When you were 22 you made 2 mil- then why do you not have anything to show for it? Where is your house? Why are you asking your younger partner of sixteen-years to split the bill?

Another thing – he would always lie. He would think of them so fast.

He would lie on purpose. And want me to know it’s a lie. It was an ego trip. Like I’m going to lie to your face and yore going to accept it anyway.

Sociopaths lack remorse. He also never said he was sorry. Never. For anything that he did, the whole time we were dating. Because to him he was never wrong. It was always someone else’s fault. Sociopaths can’t feel empathy. 

I remember he told me a story, “oh yeah one time I was at a party and some guy was talking to my ex and I said to him, ‘go away no one likes you.’ And the next day he jumped off the golden gate and killed himself, haha. “

I was so disturbed. Like what, this is funny to you? You probably were one of the reasons they killed themselves and you think it’s a joke.

Sociopaths have an extreme superficial charm. Everyone I introduced this guy to was so impressed.

They were like, “ oh he’s so cool, he’s so nice, he’s so smart, and he’s doing such cool things.”

My mom told me, “He would be a good son-in-law.” I was so shocked when I heard this, especially because I was first experiencing second thoughts about our relationship.

Dating a sociopath taught me to trust in your intuition. Believe what your gut is telling you (it is most likely right). Our society chooses to ignore what can’t be measured. However we are so much more powerful and psychic than what we are taught.

Trust yourself and trust your friend’s advice. My friends loved this guy at first and soon they realized how he was truly treating me. They begged me for months to leave him, telling me, “he’s holding you back,” “ he treats you like shit. Why are you staying with him?”

Even writing this I miss so many things. I miss the dream of what we could be. But that dream is not reality, and no matter how hard you try, how often you think it’s “your fault” nothing you do will change the reality.

They will blame you for being a menace to their life. Like, why do they keep you around? Because we can feel all of the things they never could. They want you there to boost their ego and bring them up because they are sick and will never get better. If you see any similarities and think you may be dating a sociopath, as my aunt told me, “Run, run as fast as you can, and don’t look back.”